One Year

Today, Tuesday, October 15th marks the one year anniversary of my dad's passing and it was met with a mix of emotions.

Before I start talking about today, I want to talk about the last year. 

The last 365 days:

It's been very rough at times.  Learning to live and move forward without the best dad in the world is difficult. Somehow you do it though.  For the first 6-8 months, every time I would think that my dad is no longer here, for a split second, I didn't believe it. I would say to myself, I can't believe Dad is dead. This happened every.single.time.  This doesn't happen anymore.  

Also in the beginning, I would go a few days having "good days" and then I would have a bad day and break down and cry and cry.  As time went on, those few days of "good" grew to be a week, then multiple weeks before having a bad day.  Now, it's longer than that.  

I have pictures of my dad all over my computer room.  I stare at his picture every day and smile, cry or talk to him. His memory is very much alive in me every day.  

There were two times where I picked up the phone to call my dad. I realized he wasn't here almost as fast as I picked up the phone and it's such a horrible feeling during those times. There are also many times where something happened in my life and the first person I wanted to call and tell...was my dad.

I've had a picture of my dad and me as my Facebook profile picture since June/July 2012.  I'm too afraid to change it. 

I still have "Parents" programmed into my phone.  I'm too afraid to change it to "Mom".

I'm not afraid to talk about my dad with anyone and I'm happy when anyone talks of him.  

I've come a long way since October 15, 2012, but there's still room for improvement.   

I decided late yesterday afternoon that I didn't want to be at work today.  I wasn't sure how I'd be reacting and if I was going to get upset or cry, I didn't want to be at work trying to suppress those feelings.

Today: 

I woke up in the morning, sat on the couch, playing on my phone, waiting until 11:11 am.  One year ago, my sister, mom and I wished that my dad would go as we didn't want him to suffer anymore.  We got our wish at 11:30 am last year. This year, after 11:11 am passed,  I continued on the couch waiting until 11:30 am and then I started crying for about 25 minutes about everything and anything related to my dad and then it was like a switch where I was ok and I would be for the remainder of the day.  

We met at the cemetery at 4 pm.  The entire day was cold and dreary, raining off and on.  My sister and nephew had just gotten there and I could see them at my dad's grave, each with a bright red rose.  My sister added so much humor to being there that it helped me incredibly to get through being there without shedding a single tear.  

We saw plenty of deer again 

  

After my sister and nephew put their roses down, M and I put a couple of pennies down on the grave.  M found a huge maple leaf and so I put it down by my dad's stone as a tribute as I made the joke my dad was Canadian. We found a stick that had lichen on it and Keith put some acorns by the stone.  It was very light-hearted and my dad would have wanted it like that.  

After the cemetery, we went just blocks down the road to the 5-8 Club for Juicy Lucy's. The Doors were playing on the radio, the special for the day was a hot beef sandwich so we knew we were in the right place celebrating my dad.  M raised a toast to my dad celebrating a husband, dad, grandpa and friend.

My dad would say, "All seriousness aside" when he really meant, all joking aside, still kidding but when he was actually going to say something serious.  So Dad, all seriousness aside, I miss you.  I think of you all the time.  I wish you were here.  I want to talk to you and hug you so badly again.  I want to hear your cheesy jokes.  I love you.